Kevin and I made a deal last Tuesday. No weighing for a week. I'm an obsessive compulsive scale user. So this was a challenge. We're both trying to slim down, and we thought it might help not to be burdened by the numbers during the week and just focus on eating right and moving more. I have the number 145 in my head. It's probably not a magic number, but it has to be better for me to be lighter right?
I've been waffling between 150 and 160 for the last 6 months. I'll get a few good weeks of being in control of my eating and I'll lose 3-5 lbs. Then I'd have a breakdown and gain it back, maybe with a few extra. The second week of February I was up to 160 again. I'd been so unhappy for months. I was trying but everything was hard. From all outward appearances I was doing everything right. Exercising very regularly. Hardly drinking socially at all. Seeing friends. Going to work. But inside I was a wreck. Christmas was spent in tears. January was a struggle to get through each day. I wanted so hard to beat it on my own. From age 16-22 I was on Zoloft. I look back on those years as being one big blah. (One big FAT blah.) But I'm sure they would have been worse without. I felt like I'd won when I went off it and was doing alright. The last two years have been tough though. The winters being the worst, but even last summer had it's struggles. On Valentines Day I gave myself the gift of happiness. My doc wrote me a script for Welbutrin. A little more than two weeks later, I just about cried while driving to work. I realized I'd been happy for over a week. The longest I'd felt that good in a very, very long time. And for the last month and a half I've been doing better with food. I haven't been perfect. I've still had the occasional binge, but it's been better.
And so last Tuesday when Kevin and I made our deal I was at 152.4. (My scale also does body fat % but it changes from one minute to the next so I'm never really sure how accurate it is. But it was on the high end of 26%. I can't remember exactly. 26.7 or 26.8?).
My training volume this last week was 11 hours. I ate well balanced healthy meals. My snacking was in better control. I've had plenty of water. I've had no chocolate (chocolate is one of my vices, so I'm trying a chocolate fast) and no Ice cream (I gave it up for Lent) and I had 2 sips of beer at game night on Thursday. I've been trying to avoid sweets and anything that's pure junk.
I know I should be happy about all of that. And I should be happy with the results. But I'm so disappointed. I pulled the scale down out of the closet. 151.8. (25.6% body fat). A .6 lb loss. I should be happy. I should slap a smile on my face and say yes! I lost this week! I didn't gain and I was doing healthy things for my body! I can be a great cheerleader for others, encouraging them, making them see the positive in what they've accomplished. But I downright suck at doing it for myself.
I am trying to remind myself that I ran 9:45 min miles on Sunday for a 2 hour run. I'm trying to remind myself that I got 2 core workouts in this week. I'm trying to remind myself that I climbed three 5.10's on Friday and almost finished a 5.11A yesterday. I'm trying to remind myself that I went on my longest bike ride on Saturday and felt pretty good after it. I'm trying to remind myself I swam 2200 yards in 37 minutes last Thursday. I'm trying to remind myself that there were many opportunities for me to break down and eat cookies or donuts and I stayed strong. And I'm trying to remind myself that this is the longest I've gone without Chocolate since I attempted to give it up for Lent 3 years ago and only made it a couple weeks.
And I'm trying to remind myself that it's worth it.
The scale goes back up in the closet until next Tuesday.
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