Tuesday, April 3, 2012

It's Like the War on Terrorism. A Futile Struggle And No End In Sight.

Kevin and I made a deal last Tuesday.  No weighing for a week.  I'm an obsessive compulsive scale user.  So this was a challenge.  We're both trying to slim down, and we thought it might help not to be burdened by the numbers during the week and just focus on eating right and moving more.  I have the number 145 in my head.  It's probably not a magic number, but it has to be better for me to be lighter right?

I've been waffling between 150 and 160 for the last 6 months.  I'll get a few good weeks of being in control of my eating and I'll lose 3-5 lbs.  Then I'd have a breakdown and gain it back, maybe with a few extra.  The second week of February I was up to 160 again.  I'd been so unhappy for months.  I was trying but everything was hard.  From all outward appearances I was doing everything right.  Exercising very regularly.  Hardly drinking socially at all.  Seeing friends.  Going to work.  But inside I was a wreck.  Christmas was spent in tears.  January was a struggle to get through each day.  I wanted so hard to beat it on my own.  From age 16-22 I was on Zoloft.  I look back on those years as being one big blah.  (One big FAT blah.)  But I'm sure they would have been worse without.  I felt like I'd won when I went off it and was doing alright.  The last two years have been tough though.  The winters being the worst, but even last summer had it's struggles. On Valentines Day I gave myself the gift of happiness.  My doc wrote me a script for Welbutrin.  A little more than two weeks later, I just about cried while driving to work. I realized I'd been happy for over a week.  The longest I'd felt that good in a very, very long time.  And for the last month and a half I've been doing better with food.  I haven't been perfect.  I've still had the occasional binge, but it's been better.

And so last Tuesday when Kevin and I made our deal I was at 152.4.  (My scale also does body fat % but it changes from one minute to the next so I'm never really sure how accurate it is.  But it was on the high end of 26%.  I can't remember exactly.  26.7 or 26.8?).

My training volume this last week was 11 hours.  I ate well balanced healthy meals.  My snacking was in better control.  I've had plenty of water.  I've had no chocolate (chocolate is one of my vices, so I'm trying a chocolate fast) and no Ice cream (I gave it up for Lent) and I had 2 sips of beer at game night on Thursday.  I've been trying to avoid sweets and anything that's pure junk.

I know I should be happy about all of that.  And I should be happy with the results.  But I'm so disappointed.  I pulled the scale down out of the closet.  151.8.  (25.6% body fat).  A .6 lb loss.  I should be happy.  I should slap a smile on my face and say yes! I lost this week!  I didn't gain and I was doing healthy things for my body!  I can be a great cheerleader for others, encouraging them, making them see the positive in what they've accomplished.  But I downright suck at doing it for myself.

I am trying to remind myself that I ran 9:45 min miles on Sunday for a 2 hour run.  I'm trying to remind myself that I got 2 core workouts in this week.  I'm trying to remind myself that I climbed three 5.10's on Friday and almost finished a 5.11A yesterday.  I'm trying to remind myself that I went on my longest bike ride on Saturday and felt pretty good after it.  I'm trying to remind myself I swam 2200 yards in 37 minutes last Thursday.  I'm trying to remind myself that there were many opportunities for me to break down and eat cookies or donuts and I stayed strong.  And I'm trying to remind myself that this is the longest I've gone without Chocolate since I attempted to give it up for Lent 3 years ago and only made it a couple weeks.  

And I'm trying to remind myself that it's worth it.

The scale goes back up in the closet until next Tuesday.


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